A Break

It's been a long time since I've blogged about this. Really, I just needed a break. Since the last post we went ahead and did another A.I. (artificial insemination) and once again it didn't work. We had hoped and prayed that this time it might be different, but no such luck. 

So we are taking a break -a mental, emotional, and physical break. No more prenatal vitamins; no more counting days; no more discussing it til we're blue in the face; no more hand-wringing over that stupid pregnancy test; no more calculated intimacy; no more "what-if's" and "maybe this time's"; NO MORE.

And let me tell you, its been really great -and I'm not just making that up. If my husband wants to take a hot bath in our jetted tub, he can. If I want to go to the gym and really push my body in my workout, I do. If we want to do anything that was until recently considered not good for conceiving -we do and we will.

It has been so freeing to not even know what day of my cycle I'm on. There has come a lot of peace with all of this, and I'm holding on to it as much as I can -cause I know it won't last forever. For now, though, I'm just grateful for this break.

Again

Not again. Not after going through that costly and painful surgery, after enduring more uncomfortable poking and prodding, and after the whole horrible process of artificial insemination. But yes, once again it didn't work. Once again that stupid (forgive my language) pregnancy test said no- I'm not pregnant.

The last thing my doctor said to me was "the next time I see you, you'll be pregnant!"... Guess not.

Sometimes I just want to shout "why?!!!" Why will things not work? Why is my body not functioning correctly? What am I doing wrong? Why??!!!!

I've been a little more open about my fertility struggles recently, and have gotten the response from some that "you're so strong"... I am not strong!! If only they knew the nights I wet my pillow with tears, or the days I feel so numb because it hurts too much to feel... Maybe it's because I try not to burden others with my struggles and I don't want any pity parties, but that doesn't make me strong. Some days I wonder if I can take another rejection- another "not pregnant" test. My heart is breaking.

Updates

I went back to the Dr again and took the next step... As in laparoscopy... As in surgery. Eek I don't love that word. Anyways it all happened so fast it's crazy to believe how much has happened.

I went to the dr on a Wednesday. The next day I had an appt for a pre-op with a different dr- the one who would be doing the surgery since my usual one couldn't. (That has ended up being a huge blessing in disguise!). Then my surgery happened not even a week later on Tuesday. 

The closer I got to my surgery the more nervous I became... I don't love needles, and I was admittedly scared and worried of what they would/wouldn't find. The day before the surgery I went in for an appt with the hospital... Finding out this small out-patient procedure was going to be thousands of dollars was definitely a low point of that day. I called my husband crying and upset, but he calmly talked me through it and we prayed to know if we should still go through with it all. We felt that we should- so we did.

That night (the night before) my husband gave me another priesthood blessing. I can't begin to describe the peace and comfort that the words he spoke gave me. I actually slept well that night and felt calm all through the next day- including the surgery. 

The long and short of all the results are that I don't have endometriosis, and my uterus is pretty much perfect. They did flush out my Fallopian tubes to make sure nothing was clogging them, and then when they did a histaroscopy they found a polyp in the inside at the top of my cervix that they removed. They don't think it's cancerous, but it's being tested, and they thought it could have been blocking things.

It's been over a week since the surgery, and although the recovery was slow and achy and painful at first, I'm doing much better now. Now, I just have to work as hard as I can to stay positive that everything will work out. This new dr is very proactive and told us she wants to do artificial insemination (A.I.) right away. I started another round of chlomid and we go in next week to do the A.I. 

Because everything in this surgery is so expensive, we hope and pray with all our might that I might conceive in the next month or two so that all the pregnancy will be covered in our out of pocket maximum with insurance. This surgery alone is reaching our $5000 deductible, so we're almost at the out of pocket max. We just can't afford to pay this same deductible again in the next year so we pray with all our might that it will work in the next 2 months. 

In some instances, it's so easy to just say "I've done all I can do" and leave it in the Lord's hands. But, in other ways I'm constantly thinking about it and my heart is breaking at the thought that it may not work. 

I wish I had all the answers. I wish I always felt so peaceful and calm about it all. I wish my faith was always as strong as it could be. I will do my best, though, and give it my all. I know that He has the power to give me another child- I just have to have the faith to continue to move forward whether or not I am blessed with the desire of my heart.

27 Months

27 is not my favorite number lately. It is the number of times that I have been told "no" by my body. It is the number of times that I have tried not to get my hopes up -telling myself that I'm not pregnant, to not read too much into signs I'm having -and then have them fall and shatter on the floor when I find out, once again, that I'm not.

I think of myself as a positive person by nature. I know, you probably can't tell that from reading this blog, but usually I am. I try to see things "half full". I try to play the Pollyanna Glad Game -and look for the rainbow in the storm... Still, it's been really hard lately to see that flash of color in this dark thunderstorm.

In the past I have been given blessings by my husband, where I have usually felt peace and calm -assurance that whether I am pregnant soon or in a year that I will be blessed... This past week's General Conference had me feeling like it was time for another blessing again.

Last night Chris placed his hands upon my head and gave me a special priesthood blessing. He blessed me with wonderful things -comfort, peace, knowledge that I am loved... Still, he couldn't bless me with the assurance that I would again have more children. I remember hearing something like "... you will be blessed as a mother both to Mariel... and other children around you in your neighborhood and at church...". That was really hard to take.

Afterwards, Chris held me while I cried. Have I mentioned that my husband is amazing? He truly is. I'd be lost without him. He just held me. Finally, he whispered "I'm sorry I couldn't bless you with what you want". I know he wanted to assure me we would have more children, but that was not what the Lord wanted me to hear -or him to say.

I understand that the Lord has a plan for our family and for me while on this earth. But I am not prepared to give up the fact that I will never have another little one. Everyday I am reminded by those around me, at the store, on facebook, etc. that others are having precious little ones sent to their homes, while I am not. Other kids Mariel's age have two and three siblings. Just yesterday she said she was first going to have a little sister, and then a little brother.

I am torn up inside to hear that.

I wish I knew all the answers. I wish I knew how to make everything all better, but I don't. My heart is breaking.

All I know is that I can and will get through this. Definitely not now. Not tomorrow. Maybe not even next month. But I will. Someday I will look back with a new perspective and see what I can't see now.

For now, though, I'm just gonna cry.

Hard Things

I'm not sure why it is this way, but it just is. I can hear about 10 different friends becoming pregnant, and then all of a sudden when I hear about the 11th, I break down and lose it. I'm not sure if there's an explanation for this. I feel like I can take most of the others' news in stride and it doesn't really hurt or affect me, but then all of a sudden it hurts so bad when I hear a random one. I feel raw, like a wound freshly ripped open again. It hurts all over again -the pain of not having another, of another start of a period, the wanting of something that will not seem to happen. There are many friends I know now that have been able to have and/or conceive TWO children in the time I can't seem to get pregnant with ONE. We've been trying for over 2 years now. It is a very hard thing.

Anyways, speaking of that, I have decided to make a new motto for my life. It goes something like this: I can do hard things. I know it sounds cliche and simple, but it's my motto and I can choose anything I want, right? I have decided to take more charge of my life. I can't sit around waiting for either the pain of another period or the hopeful joy that just maybe I'm pregnant. That is no way to live your life, and I refuse to either.

So, I am taking control of my life -starting with me. I just got a new haircut -and it feels wonderful! I took the plunge and started a gym membership -with a 2 year contract. For so long I have been putting off things like exercising and working out cause there was always that hope that "I might be pregnant" and everyone knows you're not supposed to start a new exercise routine when newly pregnant... But no more. I am taking control, and I can do hard things -starting with WHEN I exercise. I love to sleep in. No, like, REALLY love to sleep in. But my husband's schedule is so demanding lately that he is gone all day long, so the best time to work out is early morning. Like, really really early morning. I go work out at 5 AM, M W F. Its so early, but again, I just keep telling myself "I can do hard things". I can be in control of my life, not that painful hope/despair of trying to get pregnant.

Don't get me wrong -I do still hope and pray that we will conceive. But I can't live my life on that hope. I can't keep putting things in life on hold "until I get pregnant". I have to be in charge. And it's hard. But I can do hard things!

Commiseration

Lately there has been a lot on my mind... I feel so stuck in limbo. Secondary Infertility does that. You don't fit with those that are dealing with primary infertility (and have no kids) because you already have a child (and the feelings you are going through are way different), and you don't fit in with other families that have 2 or more kids. So many people just tell you the same things over and over, and frankly, I'm so tired of hearing them:

• "It will happen when it's supposed to happen..."
• "Just stop trying, then you'll get pregnant..."
• "Don't stress about it. That's when you'll get pregnant..."
• "Don't worry about it -you still have lots of time and plenty of years left..."

Can I just say "DUH!". OF COURSE I know these things. Don't you think I've told myself some of these things a million times?!? Don't you think each month I tell myself not to get worried/stressed about it, not to focus on it so much, not to hope too much? Logically, it doesn't matter. No matter how many months I tell myself to quit thinking about it or worrying about it, I can't stop those little feelings of hope that keep telling me maybe, just maybe, this time it will work.

SO, lately I've been feeling a little isolated. Even my wonderful husband can't quite understand what I'm going through or feeling. I recently did a search and found a couple of sites that explained so completely what I was feeling -and gave me something that I desperately needed: commiseration.

This is an excerpt from the first site:
       The difficulty for me was once we started struggling to conceive again all of those experiences, those normal day to day parenting duties I was thrown into became constant reminders of not being able to grow our family. The group of women that I relied on for emotional support and strength started to become painful reminders of our struggle to conceive, especially since everyone else seemed to be growing their families effortlessly and I was in that world so completely now. It was impossible to escape or avoid! I’m a mom now: playdates and preschool, parks and birthday parties, potty training and sippy cups. Beyond this blog work, that’s the life I had. The painful reminder was intrinsically woven into every thread of my day to day life.
       Behind that pain was one main underlying issue that I just couldn’t come to terms with in our struggle: I didn’t want Henry to be an only child. My husband and I both come from large families with siblings pretty close in age (I’m one of 6, he’s one of 8) which we both loved and I felt so much guilt for not being able to give Henry something that I knew not only he would love, but something that would be so good for him too. Something I felt he needed as a child. I know many people are perfectly happy as only children and having one child, but as hard as I tried to be okay with is, it was just so outside our experiences that I couldn’t come to terms with is as our family’s path. When I went to see a therapist on this issue she surprisingly came back with, “You don’t need to accept it. It won’t be your path. You’ll figure out a way to grow your family one way or another”.
       As each birthday passes, I become more and more desperate watching my little boy grow older without a sibling. What should have been happy milestones started to become grief filled moments of panic. Christmases the last couple of years became a painful reminder of the hope from the Christmas the year before that we would have another stocking to hang by this time next year. The age gap widening between him and the possibility of a sibling for him was almost too much to bear at many times. It was something many people, even Jared, didn’t completely understand the deepness of my sadness about. It was truly the hardest part for me. Guilt (shouldn’t I be happy with one?) and grief for something intangible all tied up in a growing beautiful boy whom I loved more than anything.

Reading this was like walking in darkness for so long, only to find a small light in the distance. For so long now I've felt alone in this journey, without someone to really talk to, and unable to truly express what I am feeling. I know I can always turn to Him, my Heavenly Father, but I've often felt the need to converse with others who are currently going through the same thing. This gave me hope that someone understood me and my feelings so completely that I felt as if I'd written every word.

Another site that I really liked explained different emotions that those experiencing secondary infertility go through:

• Denial. You may think, "If I've been pregnant before, I can't possibly have a fertility problem." This mindset explains why so few couples with secondary problems seek medical treatment. Even those who had fertility problems before becoming parents sometimes assume they're cured and can't believe they might face more fertility problems.
• Envy. You may feel left behind by your friends whose families are growing and feel some jealousy at their success in having more than one child.
• Isolation. Parents dealing with secondary fertility problems often feel they don't fit easily into any one group. Since they have at least one child already, they can't find support with infertile couples, nor do they feel they can relate to parents who have had more children. And you may feel estranged from your partner; fertility problems can place enormous stress on a relationship.
• Sorrow. You may view your child's milestones — going off to kindergarten or learning to ride a bike — with a mix of joy and sadness, knowing you probably won't experience another child at this particular age again.
• Guilt. Being unable to give your child a sibling may weigh heavily on you, yet your desire for another child may also cause pangs of guilt. ("Why isn't my wonderful son enough?" you may ask yourself.)
• Anger. You may feel enraged that you're being denied something everyone else seems to do so easily — namely, enlarge their family.
• Anxiety. The treatment regimen — early morning blood samplings, ultrasounds, daily injections — poses special obstacles for parents of young children. Arranging childcare can be difficult and babysitting gets expensive. Going to a fertility clinic can be stressful. Some women don't want their child in a waiting room full of women with fertility problems because they don't want to flaunt the child in front of a group of women struggling to conceive, nor attract the inevitable stares. Financial pressures are another stressor. For instance, can you pay for fertility treatments and still save for your child's education?

Again, as I read this I felt so relieved to know that I was not alone, and that the above feelings that I have felt were not uncharacteristic of people experiencing the same thing. Reading each bullet point helped me even understand why I was feeling some of these emotions -because sometimes I can't even explain why.

Our secondary infertility journey is not over yet, but as each month passes I am faced with the stark reality that I may never have another. I don't want to. I'll freely admit it. I can't face that reality yet -not until we've explored every option. I grew up pretending to be a mom, dreaming of being a mom with a big family full of close siblings (like the one I came from) and I just can't let that dream go. Not yet. I understand I may have to, and I know I can do it if I need to, but for now, I can't. My husband so easily makes decisions like this -and then just sticks with it -but I just can't move on as easily. Don't get me wrong, he still wants to have more children too, but I think he's trying to make a plan and focus on that instead (ie: wait until M is in school, then I can go back to work and earn enough for either adoption or IVF...). For now though, I'm still secretly hoping and praying that I can conceive again.

Pain

It hurts to look around me and see the pain and suffering going on in the world and around me. Yes, I have my share of trials and heartaches, but seeing others go through it brings me pain as well.

Why do we have pain? Why is there darkness and hurt and fear?

The answers are not always easy to accept, but can easily be found through the gospel of Jesus Christ. If we didn't have bad, we could never know good. If we never had pain, we would never fully appreciate the happy and care-free times we experience. Our Heavenly Father gave us agency, but every action we make comes with a consequence -whether good or bad.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Even if we are making good choices and trying to be righteous, bad things can still happen. I think it boils down to (1) we sometimes might suffer as a result of someone else's poor choices -agency again, and (2) if Heavenly Father saved us from ever experiencing bad things then we would never truly learn and grow.

Easier said than done.

As I stated before, infertility is one of my pains right now. It hurts. It's really hard when every time I log on facebook I am faced with more and more friends either giving birth and/or announcing they're pregnant.

Just the other day one of my close friends told me she was expecting her second. As much as it hurt -because it took her so little time to concieve and I want what she has so badly -I AM happy for her. Just because I have pain does not mean I can't celebrate with my friends' good news.

I am glad I did.

I just found out today that that dear friend of mine lost her baby 2 days ago. She was 14 and a half weeks along, and thought she was out of danger of the miscarriage stage.

My heart broke.

Even though I can't seem to have another child, I would never wish anything like this upon her! I can't imagine the pain she is experiencing right now. To find out you're pregnant, start planning and hoping for the future life inside of you, only to find out the ugly truth that this child will not ever be born. To me (and to her) it doesn't matter that the baby was not fully formed, or that they couldn't tell the gender yet.

That life was still there -she heard that baby's heart beat only 2 weeks earlier.

I can only be grateful for eternal families. Families are forever! Someday my friend will get to know her lost little one.

All will be made right, thanks again to a dear and loving Heavenly Father who knows and loves us beyond all else.