27 Months

27 is not my favorite number lately. It is the number of times that I have been told "no" by my body. It is the number of times that I have tried not to get my hopes up -telling myself that I'm not pregnant, to not read too much into signs I'm having -and then have them fall and shatter on the floor when I find out, once again, that I'm not.

I think of myself as a positive person by nature. I know, you probably can't tell that from reading this blog, but usually I am. I try to see things "half full". I try to play the Pollyanna Glad Game -and look for the rainbow in the storm... Still, it's been really hard lately to see that flash of color in this dark thunderstorm.

In the past I have been given blessings by my husband, where I have usually felt peace and calm -assurance that whether I am pregnant soon or in a year that I will be blessed... This past week's General Conference had me feeling like it was time for another blessing again.

Last night Chris placed his hands upon my head and gave me a special priesthood blessing. He blessed me with wonderful things -comfort, peace, knowledge that I am loved... Still, he couldn't bless me with the assurance that I would again have more children. I remember hearing something like "... you will be blessed as a mother both to Mariel... and other children around you in your neighborhood and at church...". That was really hard to take.

Afterwards, Chris held me while I cried. Have I mentioned that my husband is amazing? He truly is. I'd be lost without him. He just held me. Finally, he whispered "I'm sorry I couldn't bless you with what you want". I know he wanted to assure me we would have more children, but that was not what the Lord wanted me to hear -or him to say.

I understand that the Lord has a plan for our family and for me while on this earth. But I am not prepared to give up the fact that I will never have another little one. Everyday I am reminded by those around me, at the store, on facebook, etc. that others are having precious little ones sent to their homes, while I am not. Other kids Mariel's age have two and three siblings. Just yesterday she said she was first going to have a little sister, and then a little brother.

I am torn up inside to hear that.

I wish I knew all the answers. I wish I knew how to make everything all better, but I don't. My heart is breaking.

All I know is that I can and will get through this. Definitely not now. Not tomorrow. Maybe not even next month. But I will. Someday I will look back with a new perspective and see what I can't see now.

For now, though, I'm just gonna cry.