I'm not sure why it is this way, but it just is. I can hear about 10 different friends becoming pregnant, and then all of a sudden when I hear about the 11th, I break down and lose it. I'm not sure if there's an explanation for this. I feel like I can take most of the others' news in stride and it doesn't really hurt or affect me, but then all of a sudden it hurts so bad when I hear a random one. I feel raw, like a wound freshly ripped open again. It hurts all over again -the pain of not having another, of another start of a period, the wanting of something that will not seem to happen. There are many friends I know now that have been able to have and/or conceive TWO children in the time I can't seem to get pregnant with ONE. We've been trying for over 2 years now. It is a very hard thing.
Anyways, speaking of that, I have decided to make a new motto for my life. It goes something like this: I can do hard things. I know it sounds cliche and simple, but it's my motto and I can choose anything I want, right? I have decided to take more charge of my life. I can't sit around waiting for either the pain of another period or the hopeful joy that just maybe I'm pregnant. That is no way to live your life, and I refuse to either.
So, I am taking control of my life -starting with me. I just got a new haircut -and it feels wonderful! I took the plunge and started a gym membership -with a 2 year contract. For so long I have been putting off things like exercising and working out cause there was always that hope that "I might be pregnant" and everyone knows you're not supposed to start a new exercise routine when newly pregnant... But no more. I am taking control, and I can do hard things -starting with WHEN I exercise. I love to sleep in. No, like, REALLY love to sleep in. But my husband's schedule is so demanding lately that he is gone all day long, so the best time to work out is early morning. Like, really really early morning. I go work out at 5 AM, M W F. Its so early, but again, I just keep telling myself "I can do hard things". I can be in control of my life, not that painful hope/despair of trying to get pregnant.
Don't get me wrong -I do still hope and pray that we will conceive. But I can't live my life on that hope. I can't keep putting things in life on hold "until I get pregnant". I have to be in charge. And it's hard. But I can do hard things!
