Pain

It hurts to look around me and see the pain and suffering going on in the world and around me. Yes, I have my share of trials and heartaches, but seeing others go through it brings me pain as well.

Why do we have pain? Why is there darkness and hurt and fear?

The answers are not always easy to accept, but can easily be found through the gospel of Jesus Christ. If we didn't have bad, we could never know good. If we never had pain, we would never fully appreciate the happy and care-free times we experience. Our Heavenly Father gave us agency, but every action we make comes with a consequence -whether good or bad.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Even if we are making good choices and trying to be righteous, bad things can still happen. I think it boils down to (1) we sometimes might suffer as a result of someone else's poor choices -agency again, and (2) if Heavenly Father saved us from ever experiencing bad things then we would never truly learn and grow.

Easier said than done.

As I stated before, infertility is one of my pains right now. It hurts. It's really hard when every time I log on facebook I am faced with more and more friends either giving birth and/or announcing they're pregnant.

Just the other day one of my close friends told me she was expecting her second. As much as it hurt -because it took her so little time to concieve and I want what she has so badly -I AM happy for her. Just because I have pain does not mean I can't celebrate with my friends' good news.

I am glad I did.

I just found out today that that dear friend of mine lost her baby 2 days ago. She was 14 and a half weeks along, and thought she was out of danger of the miscarriage stage.

My heart broke.

Even though I can't seem to have another child, I would never wish anything like this upon her! I can't imagine the pain she is experiencing right now. To find out you're pregnant, start planning and hoping for the future life inside of you, only to find out the ugly truth that this child will not ever be born. To me (and to her) it doesn't matter that the baby was not fully formed, or that they couldn't tell the gender yet.

That life was still there -she heard that baby's heart beat only 2 weeks earlier.

I can only be grateful for eternal families. Families are forever! Someday my friend will get to know her lost little one.

All will be made right, thanks again to a dear and loving Heavenly Father who knows and loves us beyond all else.

The Beginning

Where to start? I don't know. Is anyone reading this? Honestly, I don't care, I just need an outlet and this happens to be it for now.

Definition of outlet: A means by which something escapes, passes, or is released, in particular.

In this case, this blog will become my means of escape; a way to pass through different trials; freedom to release my pent-up feelings.

I'll just get down to it. Infertility. Yeah, that's a disgusing word. It's like a big, black monster, waiting in some deep, dark and cold area...just waiting to make itself known and rear its ugly head. I know, this sounds dramatic, but talk to someone who's actually going through and/or come in contact with this ugly monster, and it doesn't quite sound so crazy anymore.

Imagine a little girl. She loves to play princesses, dress-up and have tea parties with her teddy bears. She likes to imagine and play make-believe. She is full of hopes and dreams. The thing she loves to play most (and dream of) is the role of "Mommy" to her babies.

 

Now speed forward 15-20 years... She is happily married, and has been blessed with the most precious gift -motherhood. She has a beautiful daughter -and LOVES every single minute with her. Her daughter is sweet, adorable, loving and everything she wished. She spends her days teaching her little girl, playing make-believe, nurturing her, and giving her as much as she can to help her succeed in life...

 

Enter the dark black monster spoken of earlier. Infertility. She can't seem to give her little girl a sibling. First, 6 months went by. Then another 6. Then another. Now, nearly another. Still there is no sign of another baby. The mother tries to be brave. She tries to fight off the whispers of the dark monster. She tries to press forward -to keep her hope bright. Still, that ugly monster remains, settling over her and blotting out the rays of hope she tries to carry.

Don't get me wrong. I. LOVE. MY. DAUGHTER. I KNOW there are millions around the world that will never know the joy of having even one child. If she is all I can have, I will ALWAYS be grateful. Still, it hurts a lot knowing I may not ever be able to have another. It hurts more than a lot.

So what am I doing? Again -it's called an outlet. I need this. I need to vent my frustrations and feelings, if for no other reason than to release them.

Until next time.