Updates

I went back to the Dr again and took the next step... As in laparoscopy... As in surgery. Eek I don't love that word. Anyways it all happened so fast it's crazy to believe how much has happened.

I went to the dr on a Wednesday. The next day I had an appt for a pre-op with a different dr- the one who would be doing the surgery since my usual one couldn't. (That has ended up being a huge blessing in disguise!). Then my surgery happened not even a week later on Tuesday. 

The closer I got to my surgery the more nervous I became... I don't love needles, and I was admittedly scared and worried of what they would/wouldn't find. The day before the surgery I went in for an appt with the hospital... Finding out this small out-patient procedure was going to be thousands of dollars was definitely a low point of that day. I called my husband crying and upset, but he calmly talked me through it and we prayed to know if we should still go through with it all. We felt that we should- so we did.

That night (the night before) my husband gave me another priesthood blessing. I can't begin to describe the peace and comfort that the words he spoke gave me. I actually slept well that night and felt calm all through the next day- including the surgery. 

The long and short of all the results are that I don't have endometriosis, and my uterus is pretty much perfect. They did flush out my Fallopian tubes to make sure nothing was clogging them, and then when they did a histaroscopy they found a polyp in the inside at the top of my cervix that they removed. They don't think it's cancerous, but it's being tested, and they thought it could have been blocking things.

It's been over a week since the surgery, and although the recovery was slow and achy and painful at first, I'm doing much better now. Now, I just have to work as hard as I can to stay positive that everything will work out. This new dr is very proactive and told us she wants to do artificial insemination (A.I.) right away. I started another round of chlomid and we go in next week to do the A.I. 

Because everything in this surgery is so expensive, we hope and pray with all our might that I might conceive in the next month or two so that all the pregnancy will be covered in our out of pocket maximum with insurance. This surgery alone is reaching our $5000 deductible, so we're almost at the out of pocket max. We just can't afford to pay this same deductible again in the next year so we pray with all our might that it will work in the next 2 months. 

In some instances, it's so easy to just say "I've done all I can do" and leave it in the Lord's hands. But, in other ways I'm constantly thinking about it and my heart is breaking at the thought that it may not work. 

I wish I had all the answers. I wish I always felt so peaceful and calm about it all. I wish my faith was always as strong as it could be. I will do my best, though, and give it my all. I know that He has the power to give me another child- I just have to have the faith to continue to move forward whether or not I am blessed with the desire of my heart.

27 Months

27 is not my favorite number lately. It is the number of times that I have been told "no" by my body. It is the number of times that I have tried not to get my hopes up -telling myself that I'm not pregnant, to not read too much into signs I'm having -and then have them fall and shatter on the floor when I find out, once again, that I'm not.

I think of myself as a positive person by nature. I know, you probably can't tell that from reading this blog, but usually I am. I try to see things "half full". I try to play the Pollyanna Glad Game -and look for the rainbow in the storm... Still, it's been really hard lately to see that flash of color in this dark thunderstorm.

In the past I have been given blessings by my husband, where I have usually felt peace and calm -assurance that whether I am pregnant soon or in a year that I will be blessed... This past week's General Conference had me feeling like it was time for another blessing again.

Last night Chris placed his hands upon my head and gave me a special priesthood blessing. He blessed me with wonderful things -comfort, peace, knowledge that I am loved... Still, he couldn't bless me with the assurance that I would again have more children. I remember hearing something like "... you will be blessed as a mother both to Mariel... and other children around you in your neighborhood and at church...". That was really hard to take.

Afterwards, Chris held me while I cried. Have I mentioned that my husband is amazing? He truly is. I'd be lost without him. He just held me. Finally, he whispered "I'm sorry I couldn't bless you with what you want". I know he wanted to assure me we would have more children, but that was not what the Lord wanted me to hear -or him to say.

I understand that the Lord has a plan for our family and for me while on this earth. But I am not prepared to give up the fact that I will never have another little one. Everyday I am reminded by those around me, at the store, on facebook, etc. that others are having precious little ones sent to their homes, while I am not. Other kids Mariel's age have two and three siblings. Just yesterday she said she was first going to have a little sister, and then a little brother.

I am torn up inside to hear that.

I wish I knew all the answers. I wish I knew how to make everything all better, but I don't. My heart is breaking.

All I know is that I can and will get through this. Definitely not now. Not tomorrow. Maybe not even next month. But I will. Someday I will look back with a new perspective and see what I can't see now.

For now, though, I'm just gonna cry.