Again

Not again. Not after going through that costly and painful surgery, after enduring more uncomfortable poking and prodding, and after the whole horrible process of artificial insemination. But yes, once again it didn't work. Once again that stupid (forgive my language) pregnancy test said no- I'm not pregnant.

The last thing my doctor said to me was "the next time I see you, you'll be pregnant!"... Guess not.

Sometimes I just want to shout "why?!!!" Why will things not work? Why is my body not functioning correctly? What am I doing wrong? Why??!!!!

I've been a little more open about my fertility struggles recently, and have gotten the response from some that "you're so strong"... I am not strong!! If only they knew the nights I wet my pillow with tears, or the days I feel so numb because it hurts too much to feel... Maybe it's because I try not to burden others with my struggles and I don't want any pity parties, but that doesn't make me strong. Some days I wonder if I can take another rejection- another "not pregnant" test. My heart is breaking.